No Explanation
Mieke frequently visited pediatricians as a child due to mental health concerns. While she and her parents suspected a connection to her premature birth, healthcare providers didn’t explore that possibility. Knowledge about the long-term effects of premature birth was limited at the time. But, in 1983, the POPS study was initiated – a Dutch scientific investigation into the health and development of prematurely born children. When Mieke was young, the results of this study were not yet widely available.
During Mieke’s adolescence, she consulted several psychologists who considered ADHD as a potential diagnosis. “I couldn’t relate to that at all. No one seemed to understand what was really going on. Because I never received a clear explanation, my parents also treated me like a ‘normal’ child. I thought it was all my fault.”
Alcohol as the Only Escape
Feeling misunderstood, Mieke experienced significant loneliness. “I fought that battle in my head all alone. This only exacerbated my depressive symptoms. By the age of seventeen, I turned to alcohol as my only escape. I could only find peace when I was drinking.”
Despite her struggles, Mieke eventually pursued a creative education and later worked as a graphic designer. “Formal learning wasn’t for me. Being creative was the only thing I could do, but even that was difficult.”
As Mieke grew older, she observed others building careers, forming relationships, and cohabitating. “I couldn’t get my life on track. My mental health issues worsened, leading to ten years of intermittent alcohol use to numb my problems.”
At 28, she experienced a complete breakdown. “I had a burnout and was unable to work. Eventually, I called my parents and told them I couldn’t go on. I didn’t want to live if things continued this way.”
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Diagnosis of Brain Injury
Mieke was admitted to a crisis mental health facility, where she expressed suicidal thoughts. “There, a psychiatrist was the first to take real action. She saw that I had an extensive medical history. She was willing to acknowledge my desire to end my life, but first wanted to understand the root cause of all my problems.”
Neurological examinations ultimately revealed that Mieke had suffered brain injury as a result of her extremely premature birth. “I was so relieved. You would consider your world would collapse after such a diagnosis, but I just thought: finally.”
Mieke’s brain processes information more slowly. “The psychiatrist told me these were the most exceptional results she had ever seen. My visual ability is very good, but due to my slow processing speed, it doesn’t approach across that way. I become easily overwhelmed and need a lot more rest. Everything suddenly fell into place. I finally had answers to my problems of many years.”
Sharing Her Story Through Music
Following the diagnosis, Mieke underwent a six-month treatment program. “I suddenly had to rehabilitate for something I had been carrying with me for 28 years. I had to learn to cope with overstimulation, fatigue, and how my body works. But I also had to process the trauma that all of this had caused.”
She was also declared unfit for work. “I had to rethink what I wanted to do with my future. That was quite challenging.”
she turned to something she had always enjoyed: music. Together with eight others, she formed the band MIEKS, with which she writes original songs. “Sometimes it takes me three days in bed to recover, but I also get a lot of energy from it. Through my lyrics, I can share my struggles and process everything I’ve been through.”
Need for Greater Awareness
Mieke admits she still feels that constant restlessness in her head. “That will never go away. But now I understand where it comes from, which allows me to cope with it better. I find life a little more enjoyable now, and that’s really because I can express my passion through music.”
Mieke spent her entire life searching for answers. She believes this could have been prevented if there had been a specialized clinic for people born prematurely. “I really missed something like that. It would be great if people born prematurely could turn to a place where experts could monitor their progress and understand what’s going on and how they can be helped further. More attention needs to be paid to this, because premature birth marks you for life.”
Are you struggling with suicidal thoughts or are you worried about someone else? Talk about it. Call 113 or visit www.113.nl. Suicide Prevention Foundation is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
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