The complexities of love and connection are under renewed scrutiny as a viral analysis from Argentinian psychoanalyst Gabriel Rolón explores the frequently enough-unconscious patterns that shape our romantic choices.Rolón’s insights,rapidly gaining traction on TikTok,suggest that our earliest experiences – particularly the dynamic between our parents – may fundamentally influence who we are attracted to,and whether we subconsciously seek partners who replicate familiar,even painful,relationship patterns. This exploration delves into why individuals may repeatedly find themselves in unfulfilling or destructive relationships,offering a framework for understanding the lasting impact of childhood on adult love.
Love is often cited as one of the most powerful drivers of human emotion, but what *is* love, and why do so many people struggle to define or experience it? Love is a profoundly complex concept, manifesting in countless ways. However, one of its most common forms is the romantic connection between two people – a union built on shared feelings, interests, and a commitment to care, responsibility, respect, and understanding.
Relationships, like love itself, are rarely simple, and rarely unfold as expected. This can lead to deep pain and leave many wondering why they consistently find themselves drawn to partners who ultimately cause them harm, whether through dishonesty, infidelity, or simply a fundamental incompatibility. It’s a question that Argentinian psychoanalyst and writer Gabriel Rolón has been exploring.
“You Don’t Fall in Love With Just Anyone”
“You don’t fall in love with just anyone,” Rolón explains in a video that’s gaining traction on TikTok. “But you also fall in love with someone who has a trait that you’ve always loved.” He goes on to say that learning to love is a process, “like everything in life.” The emotion, he argues, develops over time, beginning in childhood as we observe the relationships around us. “You learn to love from a young age, watching and asking yourself, ‘Well, how do people love?’ I don’t know, they love like my mom and dad love,” he shared.
Rolón suggests that our first experiences with romantic love are often shaped by the dynamic between our parents – or the primary caregivers in our lives. The foundation of a healthy relationship, he implies, is often built on observing and internalizing the patterns of affection we witness early on.
“How do mom and dad love each other? My dad is a little indifferent to my mom, my mom cries because she feels alone, but they’re together. Well, maybe I start to incorporate the idea that indifference, mistreatment, and suffering are *part* of love. I learned to love like that. And now, when I look for that trait in someone to fall in love with, I find it there.” This idea taps into a broader cultural conversation about the impact of childhood experiences on adult relationships.
“Why Do You Fall in Love With These Types of People Who Always Hurt You?”
According to Rolón, our approach to love becomes a reflection of what we learned as children. This could explain why so many people find themselves repeatedly drawn to partners who cause them pain. “I fall in love with people who I, here, am going to suffer like my mom, I’m going to cry like her, I’m going to be indifferent like my father. So I go and choose what was ingrained in me as love,” he explains.
Rolón also asks whether a lack of self-worth plays a role. “Did you learn to love like this? What’s happening with your self-esteem that you don’t believe you deserve someone who treats you well, someone who puts you in a place of privilege, someone who cares about you?” These are common questions that arise in these situations.
“You don’t feel capable and entitled to occupy a respectable place, a place of pleasure, a place of shared dreams. Well, what happens with all of this? Every human being carries within them an impulse to harm themselves. That’s why we all have something that hurts us. It doesn’t matter if you don’t smoke, you eat too much, if you don’t drink too much, if you don’t fall in love with someone who hurts you, if you don’t stay suffering in places where you find pain,” he concludes.
Rolón’s insights offer a potential explanation for patterns of heartbreak. However, he also emphasizes that learning doesn’t stop in childhood. There’s always room to grow, evolve, and, with the right support, understand ourselves and find ways to cultivate healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
